Hail The Villain blared into my headphones, telling me to Runaway. "When I say go, go, go, Runaway! And I seriously considered listening to them and just leave all of this. Go away somewhere new, where no one knew what or who I was and I could start fresh.
But my hand was grabbed by a friend and he brought me out of my thoughts. His brown eyes stared into my blue, green, yellow eyes and I could see he was looking past the confusion of color and into me. Without asking he pulled my headphones out of my ears so I could hear him. "How are you Coos?" When he was playing around his voice had a lightness to it, as if he hadn't quite hit puberty, but the few times he was serious, like now, it was deep, coming from his chest. I couldn't answer the question, so I tried to turn my head, but he stopped me.
His fingers wrapped around my chin and force my head up. "Look at me, there's nothing on the floor for you to talk to." He was right of course, but I still had trouble looking people in the eye. I raised my eyes to his again, and I swallowed hard.
"Bullshit." He put his hands on my shoulders and squeezed; we both flinched. "Jesus Coos, you have knots the size baseballs in your shoulders alone. You are not fine. Come on."
I raised an eyebrow and started to walk with him. "And where is it that we are going?"
"Downstairs, I'm giving you a massage."
I froze, the thought of someone touching me beside her made me sick to stomach. "Dude! No, I'm fine, I swear." I start to pull away from him but he doesn't let go of my hand. Now I'm looking like a four year old trying to get away from an angry parent, squatting down to try to get my hand loose, but he was strong, much stronger than I and his grip was like a vise.
"You need this, come on."
I start to panic, tears welling up in my eyes, "Please let go, please? I can't."
A new look came over him, and though he loosened his grip, he didnt let go. He puts his hand on my cheek and leans in close, just an inch away. "Listen to me, Coos, okay? I know you miss her...but you have to relieve some of this stress. That's why you're not sleeping. I'm your friend, not a rapist, and I will not try to have sex with you, I swear. You need to do something about this before you seriously injure yourself."
I know he's right, but I stand stalk still, not sure how to move. He sees that, and reaches under my shirt, for my hip. His fingers snake around the skin, and as he lightly massaged I could feel tension already start to drain. His gingerly feels the cuts over the bone and says softly, "You've been cutting again." This time I don't answer at all, but wait. He tugs at my hand again and this time I follow, down the stairs to his bedroom. He takes a towel out of his closet and tosses it to me, "Go take your clothes off, then lay down on the bed, stomach down, with the towel over you. He ran back upstairs and I did as he asked, slightly shaking as I removed my bra and panties.
Once on the bed, he places the towel just below my derriere. When his oiled hands touch my skin I jump slightly, not used to the feeling, but I calm down. His hands work wonders over the tension that has filled my back and shoulders, and as I begin to melt he says, "That's it baby, relax for me. Now this is going to hurt a second, but when the pain dies away you'll feel much better. Before I can ask what he's about to do I feel a white hot flash of pain down my spine and I can't bite back the startled cry in my throat. For a moment I feel as if I'm never going to walk again, but as the pain lessened, immense relief filled its place.
His hands start to massage the back of my neck, and as he pushes up and down I know what it feels like to be a ragdoll. "I'm going to remove the towel now, okay? Do you trust me?" I think for a minute, do I really trust anyone? No, but in this case, I should probably lie.
"Mhmmm." meaning yes. He slides the towel off and his next actions suprise me. As his hands work my legs and buttocks, I feel this heat and pinch on my skin, and realize he is biting me hip. A new sensation washes over me, arousal. His mouth works up my side, his teeth grazing lightly over my skin, and I find that I cannot object.
As his lips reach my neck, he whispers into my ear, "Tell me to stop, and I will." But I couldn't find the word, and reached up to kiss him. He turns me over and he embraces my body like he never has before. He and I had never crossed this line and I had no idea what was going to happen but I let it go. It felt so good to be embraced again. His hands work over my breasts and abdomen, and I wait for him to go lower, but he doesn't. I reach down for him, but he stops me, breaking the kiss.
"I promised I wouldn't have sex with you, and I meant it. You don't need sexuality right now, you need sensuality. You need to trust that you don't have to let sex happen." His hand brushes my bangs out of my eyes. "You are such a beautiful person, inside and out, and you my dear, are not a sex toy."
A new kind of relaxation steals over me, and as we reunite our kiss, I feel a sense of freedom as we roamed our hands over each other, holding each other, but never coming into each other. His mouth and hands roam all over me, arousing me, but in a way I've never felt before. I never thought just making out could make me feel like...this, whatever it was. But it's definitely what I needed.