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Bert
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Bert
I threw down my head set and started to run. My boss shouted to me as I made my way past him. I shouted back.
"Sorry! Got to go." I was out of the door and into the car park fast. In the car I trod on the accelerator and was away.
I thought of the man. Surely he wasn't on the roof. He seemed crazy as I talked to him, but at the same time enviably free. I was enthralled. Rather than me sell him a roof clean he'd sold me on what he was doing. I was surprised he'd given me his address.
It took twenty minutes to get there. It seemed to be forever, such was the urgency of my anticipation. As I drove into the cul-de-sac there was a bang as something hit the car.
The windscreen was flooded with water and something red was in the middle. I flicked on the wipers and got the car out as fast as I could. There was laughter too, loud maniacal laughter, as I pulled up on the verge, some distance away, and got out. On the bonnet of my car were the remains of a balloon, I'd been water bombed. I walked towards the house and looked warily to see what had happened.
Soon, he came into view, on top of the roof of the house. He was dressed in long red pants, yellow jacket, green hat and long, flowing purple cape. Beside him was a big blue flag, its staff firmly wedged in the chimney.
"Halt! Who goes there?" he shouted. I looked around. There was no-one else. I could see a balloon full of water challenging the rubber as it lolled in his hand.
"Me!" I said, loud enough for him to hear.
"Friend or foe?" he shouted.
"Friend!" I replied.
"Are you a dragon slayer?" I thought for a moment. It was obviously an important question. His face was wrinkled around penetrating eyes as he looked at me.
"No. That is your job. I'm frightened of dragons." He relaxed a little as he looked at me.
"They breathe fire and smoke," he shouted.
"I know."
"They undo buttons too," he added, in a whisper loud enough to carry. He stood tall. "I'm a dragon slayer. I certified dragon slayer!" He lifted his sword and with vigorous swipes he smote the air around him. I thought I could hear the rustle of paper.
He dropped his sword. It rolled down the roof, tripped on the gutter and fell to the pavement below with a hollow, resinous, cardboard ring. I watched as he staggered on the roof, trying to regain his balance, ponderous steps until he stooped and stopped. Slowly he gathered himself to stand and he looked at me, then carefully ventured down the roof slope until he got to the edge.
"Excuse me. Could you please pass me my sword?" We looked at each other for a moment. He looked lost and very vulnerable. I picked up his cardboard cylinder sword and passed it to him.
"Thank you," he said, "What should I call you?"
"Barbara," I said.
"Well, Maid Barbara, you are a most esteemed colleague." I couldn't think of a time when I'd ever been called Maid Barbara. I saw him look at me, his piercing blue eyes alert in the crinkle of his face, scrunched by the sun. I looked at him carefully. His clothes rustled when he moved and I saw they were made of crepe paper, except for his purple cape which appeared to have once been a curtain. He took a last look at me and said,
"Well, back to work." He stood and climbed to the top of the roof, stood on the ridge cap and from the chimney took a cylinder of paper.
"Tootleootalootaloo!" he sounded into his trumpet.
"Tootleootalootalootalootaloo!" almost like a rooster, his posture one of projecting the noise as far as he could. He reached to the chimney again and changed the cylinder for one that was similar. He held it up to his mouth and decreed,
"I am Bert, the Dragon Slayer," he took the megaphone from his lips and whispered to me. "You can call me Robert if you want but don't tell anyone. Please?" I nodded my head in acknowledgement and he went on.
"I am," he paused, looked around, and went on. "Exemplar Terrificus, Defender of the Faith, Protector Imperialis, Knight of the Realm, Lord on High," and he looked down from the roof to confirm his status, "King of Jelly Snake Devourers, Dragon Slayer and All Round Great Bloke." He paused for a moment and then whispered to me, "Is that all?" I suggested Chief Water Balloon Bombardier which he quickly added to his list and then he stopped. "What was I going to say?" he asked.
I couldn't help and we waited for him to be inspired. He looked up to the sky to seek a clue. He looked at his flag and suddenly he knew. From the chimney he took the staff that bore the flag, waved it around and gave a few thrusts. "With my lance and my sword I am here to dispatch dragons. Please bring me your dragons." He looked very pleased with himself as he lowered his megaphone. Then he had another thought.
"I am fully equipped! My weapons and my trusty steed will vanquish all dragons! He put down his megaphone and picked up his trumpet. As he turned I saw the wooden clothes horse that straddled the ridge cap. He walked to it. I was mute with shock. I couldn't believe that he would, but he did. He straddled the clothes horse, the rails bent threateningly with his weight and as he held the reins with one hand he sounded his trumpet with the other.
"Tootleootalootalootalootaloo!" He put down the trumpet, picked up a stick and whipped the horse as he giddied it up. He moved up and down in his seat and bent the wooden clothes horse alarmingly. He took the trumpet again.
"Tootleootalootalootaloo!" He looked wonderfully happy as he held the reins and spurred the horse on. The spring in the wooden rails of the horse provided enough reciprocal movement to make the ride more than interesting. His crepe paper pants tore at the crutch and his endowments were on view.
"Tootleootalootalootaloo!" His penis bounced with the movement. It was dyed bright red with the dye from the crepe paper.
Suddenly he dismounted from his trusty steed and stood on the ridge cap again. He found the megaphone and shouted into it,
"Rampant on the ramparts, as every dragon slayer should be!" and he held his penis a moment to be sure it was erect before showing me. He stood a while to ensure it was noted that he fulfilled the criteria. Indeed, it was noteworthy. As he stood he had his hips projected forwards and his penis was bolt upright. The smile on his face was almost as large.
"Fee, fi, fo fum! I smell the blood of a hairy dragon!" he shouted, and his eyes, under beetled brow, were directed at a place near me. A large dog sat and watched. Bert scurried to the chimney and from a box at its base he took a filled balloon which he threw. The dog stood and moved nearer to me, where it thought it would be safe. The water bomb splashed with velocity, and a large spray, close to where the dog had been. Another bomb was thrown and both the dog and I moved from its trajectory. More water bombs followed with improved accuracy. His penis waved its defiance as he fired his salvos. He had tied the bombs with a loop in the string so he could hang them from his erection.
Soon all the water bombs had been used, but Bert didn't give up. While his penis was erect he was a dragon slayer. He found more balloons and from the other side of the roof he brought a hose. As he filled more balloons he hurled them at the dog. It was wet work for Bert. His crepe paper clothes quickly became sodden and dyed him interesting colors before they fell off. Soon, he wore only his cape as he scampered over the wet, slippery roof.
"Bert!" I called to him. He didn't respond.
"Robert!" I called and he stopped.
"What do you want?" he shouted back, agitated that so far his munitions had proved useless.
"I'm worried! The roof is wet and slippery."
"Have no fear! I am a dragon slayer!"
"You're not safe, Robert."
"I am!" was his retort.
"Could you please get down?" He gave me an incredulous look.
"I am not getting down. This is my work!"
"I am an occupational health and safety officer," I shouted. I heard him groan.
"What do you want of me, Maid Barbara?"
"I want you to be safe!"
"What do you propose, Maid Barbara?" Then he continued, "But, I'm not getting down. This man has a job to do."
"Wait right there, Robert," I called to him. I went to my car and found my tow rope.
"I have a safety harness," I called to him.
"Do you know how to put it on, Maid Barbara?"
"Yes," I lied.
"Well, you'd better put it on then, hadn't you?" He gave me instructions as I climbed up the drain pipe onto the tank and then onto the house with the towrope in hand. I laddered my stockings and tore my blouse. On the roof I walked up the gable to the ridge cap where he met me.
"Well met, Maid Barbara," he enthused. I asked him to turn around so I could tie on the rope but he stopped me.
"You have a hole in your blouse," he said. "As an Occupational Health and Safety Officer you should know that holes in clothing concentrate the fire that's breathed from a dragon's nose!" I was surprised when he quickly had my blouse unbuttoned and off. He was looking at my bra and ran his fingers over it.
"Lots of holes in this," he announced as his fingers found the holes in the lace. He moved with unexpected speed and I felt the cool air touch my breasts as they slumped with the loss of my bra. He picked up my breasts and tried to reassure me that I was now much better protected, as I tried to bat his hands away. He was staining my breasts with dye. His grip was firm and the more I tried to get his hands off, the more firmly they seemed to hold me.
I looked and could see his penis, bright red, huge in its magnificence and it twitched. He gave my breasts a squeeze that made me wince. Suddenly he was on his knees and his hands were on my tights. I grabbed to hold them up but he was too fast, much too fast, as I felt my legs cool with their exposure.
"Holes!" he shouted, as he removed the ladders along with my tights. "Don't worry, I'll save you!" I looked down as my tights were pulled from my feet and saw that he was removing my panties too. Only my skirt protected me from complete nakedness and not knowing where my hands would be most useful, with so much modesty to protect, I held my skirt tight and moved one hand to cover my breasts.
"Don't worry, Maid Barbara, you'll be safe!" I felt his hand on my mound.
"Chinchilla!" He shouted, much to my embarrassment, as I tried to displace his hand with my own. "Of all the pussies it's the one most at risk. All that hair isn't good in fires." With a whisper he asked if I had scissors. Fortunately, I hadn't brought my handbag and was able to shake my head.
"Oh well, these will do," he said, as he got a rusty, old pair of scissors from his water bomb box. I was surprised as to how strong he was as he removed my hand from its position over my pussy and lifted my skirt. Quickly, he snipped my bush, it had been my pride and joy, manicured with everything in its place and the wisps around the edges shaved away. The hairdresser did it for me and always remarked as to how lush it was.
What worried me most was that he might cut more than my hair, a quick slip and I could lose a lip! It was all happening so quickly. I knew he wouldn't stop. I saw the scissors cut their way up my skirt and he pushed the halves aside to get better access. I was on display! All of me! His fingers searched for hair and the scissors gave a gritty sound as they snipped away his findings. My beautiful hair, I'd only yesterday had it colored.
As he cut I seemed to be slipping down and soon I was lying, spread eagled along the ridge cap, my legs were so widely spread that he couldn't wish for greater access. I didn't want him to slip, and snip a lip. I looked at him and saw his concentration. He was so engrossed I suspected he didn't realize I was there- only my beautiful, black chinchilla that was beginning to purr and dribble as it stretched out in front of him. With his fingers he brushed away the hair he'd cut and my chinchilla was rapidly revealed as being pink.
I could see his rampant penis as it bobbed and twitched with his activity. I studied it carefully. There wasn't a strand of hair anywhere. It was big and having been dyed red it looked magnificent. At the base of his penis I could see his testicles. They hung in their red sack so lazily I felt that I should do something to wake them up. I don't like indolence and if I could have reached I would have gripped them and given them a good shake.
I was distracted though by what he was doing to my chinchilla. He was running his fingers up and down the stubble of its fur and it felt beautiful. Then he had its lips in his fingers and stretched them out like they were wings, ready to fly. It almost made me feel safe on top of the roof. I certainly hoped my chinchilla had nine lives. Suddenly, a finger sank deep into my chinchilla and I squirmed with the feeling as it squelched and dribbled.
"Mmm," he said, his interest being entirely professional, "A hole! Not good. Fire could be trapped in there and never get out." He researched the hole thoroughly, two fingers at a time. "I wonder whether the off button works?" A finger went to the chinchilla's little nose and gave it a tweak. He tried several times and it made me squirm even more.
"I think we need fire retardant here," he said, maintaining his professional tone. He gave my chinchilla another pat and checked his assessment again with the full length of his two fingers.
"Lucky I've got the equipment," he whispered, "Shall we apply the fire retardant?" I wondered what he meant but I heard myself say,
"I think you should." I saw him look at his penis. It was so hard and big, I wondered whether it was too big to be functional. I saw his testicles move, like they rolled inside their sack, I was so pleased to have seen and thankful it was shaved for duty.
With solemnity, on hands and knees he moved over me and lowered himself. I reached for his penis and together we guided it in. My chinchilla gushed with the intrusion as it received a stroke along its entire length. It received many strokes as his penis tried to position itself appropriately. He put his hands under my shoulders in what I guess was a dragon slayer's grip as I took his testicles in my hand to keep them safe. They felt wonderful as they shook with every stroke.
My chinchilla purred. He was very patient, he stroked so many times, careful to get it right. I guess that an inappropriate placement of the fire retardant wouldn't be good, if only because it is so precious.
Something was happening to me. I felt all on edge, I don't mean that I was on the ridge cap, but something else. It made me sigh and moan, I felt breathless too and my legs began to twitch. I guess that is the price of care. I noticed too that his body started to stiffen, rather like mine. I wasn't lying back, thinking of England!
He started to grunt and his penis was stroking with more force, faster, deeper, and I held his testicles tight. His hand closed around my breast and squeezed. He shouted and I felt my chinchilla suddenly get wet. I guessed it was the fire retardant. I was so lucky, my chinchilla felt like it was on fire.
Something inside me seemed to break and suddenly I jittered around on the ridge cap. I put my feet up on his back under his cape. I wanted to pull him deep inside me. It felt so good. My body seemed so alive as it twitched and my hips rose to meet his He continued to pump in the fire retardant. I wanted it all. I could feel it gushing from my chinchilla and run down between my legs. He tried to pack it in with his penis, which was sensible, it was longer than his fingers. No wonder it had taken so long to assess where the fire retardant should go.
Too soon he stopped his pumping and packing. He lay on top of me, exhausted with the effort. I was also spent. We breathed deep. Content with the quality of his packing his penis slowly withdrew. He gave my breast another squeeze and flicked at a nipple with his finger while I massaged his testicles. It was enjoyable, the stillness, with a gentle breeze that cooled as we held each other. I was pleased to be safe from dragons. Then he spoke.
"Work to do," he said, and slowly he stood. He grabbed his trumpet and found a flourish.
"Tootleootalootalootalootaloo!" He looked so pleased with himself. "Tootleootalootalootaloo!" he sounded again. Then he changed to his megaphone and drew himself up to be as tall as he could be.
"Maid Barbara is now saved! Long live Maid Barbara." I felt so special. He changed back to his trumpet.
"Tootleootalootalootaloo," he sounded again. His penis had lost some of its magnificence and I could see it shine, wet and red in the sun. I looked down at my chinchilla and saw gobs of white fire retardant around it. I put my hand down and scooped up some that was oozing out. It was warm and slippery. I wondered whether it would be wise to pack it back in. I looked up at Bert. He'd changed to the megaphone again.
"I'm a dragon slayer and here to save the world." I'd been fortunate to have been saved so professionally but was a little uncertain about sharing his skills. Surely I'd need more fire retardant soon.
"I specialize in fire prevention," he shouted into his megaphone. "Maid Barbara is my reference and witness. She is now fully protected from fire. I am skilled and my work is guaranteed." He changed back to his trumpet.
"Tootleootalootalootaloo!" He looked around his domain.
His confidence suddenly changed. I saw a look, I wondered if it was fear. It was so fast. I looked at where he was looking. There was an ambulance there and a police car. Leaning against the police car were men, all sucking on cigarettes. Bert came to me and said,
"The dragons are here with their fire and smoke. We've got to go." I scrambled for my clothes.
"I'm already a certified dragon slayer. I don't need to be certified again," he said, miserably. I grabbed all the clothes I could and ran to the edge of the roof, jumped onto the tank and followed Bert down the drain pipe. I saw the men drop their cigarettes and start running. Bert ran as fast as he could, his purple cape flowed behind him and I could see his legs pump, his multicolored body a rainbow flash as it raced out of the front gate and up the road with the men behind as they closed the gap. They weren't interested in me. I ran, my body was similarly stained and my breasts jumped with every stride. My chinchilla was losing the fire retardant and it squelched.
While they pursued Bert, I ran to my car, threw my clothes in the back and took off. I slouched in my seat to hide my nakedness as I went past Bert. He'd been caught. They had a jacket on him. I wanted to stop, to help, but couldn't. I knew I had to leave. I wondered where I would get more fire retardant from.
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Submitted by:
murmur
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Rating:
7 ratings
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 Kegel | | From The Max | | Up Front, Out Back- 12- No More Pain. | | Up Front, Out Back- 11- Plans. | | Up Front, Out Back- 10- Her Introductory Tour. | | The Business | | Sprinkler | | Out Back,Up Front, 9 - Assessment of the Bull Ant Damage. | | Out Back, Up Front, 8 - Good Night. | | Out Back, Up Front, 7- Washing Jeff | | Up Front,Out Back, 6 - Cleanliness is Next to the Tail Gate. | | Up Front, Out Back, 5 -Bull Ants | | Up Front Out Back, 4 - First Night | | Up Front, Out Back 3 - Summer Clothes | | Up Front, Out Back 2. Arrival and Departure. | | Up Front Out Back- Silence | | Wood. Part2 | | Wood | | Cruise |  Goldwing | | Pool | | After the Flood | | M.D. | | Baby Sitter | | Danced Offerings | | Making Jam Part 3 | | Making Jam part 2 | | Making Jam | | The Indoor Fountain | | Redback | | The Hedge | | Signs | | Trombone | | Golden Lion Tamarinds | | Snip |
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