Do you hate people who complain? I knew this guy, if he found a bar of gold on the street, would complain about how heavy it was!
Having a plan is great. But as Mike Tyson once said, "Everyone has a plan tills I punch them in da face!"
Why is it that everyone hates politicians except the one they keep voting for? I always hear...
"Ahhhh they all suck! Except my guy ...he's good! "
Come to think about it, they think that way about kids too. "kids today...they're all so disrespectful, except mine...they're really good kids!" and then you see them on CNN doing a perp walk!
I've fallen in love with country music again. It's just so much closer to how I feel about my life and life in general. And you can dance to it.........haaaaaaa.
I need just one more picture of Stormymeadows! Just one more ...and I'll be happy.
Is there anyone on this site funnier then exaata??
Does begging count as foreplay??
Is there anything better than staying in bed naked on a rainy morning , or even better, while you're getting buried in a blizzard, and making love? Getting up only to make coffee and pee.
If you're having sex and your partner dies during it...do you finish? Just asking is all, someone has to.
I'm so old that now, I hide in the bathroom and cry!
I'm not sure which I dislike more, envy or jealousy. Or are they basically the same? But there is someone on this site who is savaging the hell out of some fine writing by putting a one or two on good stories. Good thing Kenny knocks the low and high scores out. I was just thinking, from now on I'm calling that person the "Russian Judge" I'm not sure who'll know what I mean. But I do, and that's all that counts.
Always keep that vibrator charged. How frustrated will you women get when you get right there and ...........fffzzzzzzzzzzz...it dies. I've heard the pitiful sighs that coming from various houses.......haaaaaaa.....you'd think their dog died.
I just want it known...I've faked every orgasm I've ever had. Ok..I lied. It was just that one time, but I was drunk and i needed the ride real bad.
I sometimes wonder exactly how much I have in common with lesbians.
I just saw one of the dumbest movies ever. But it wasn't a complete waste because I gleemed a great pick up line from it. it goes like this.
Guy - "How much does a Polar Bear weigh?"
Woman- "I have no idea, how much does one weigh?"
Guy - " Enough to break the ice...Hi my name is Joey!"
It's dumb I know, but the movie stunk so badly I had to find something funny in it.
Why is it that only guys find Monty Python, South Park and Family Guy funny? C'mon the parrot sketch? Kyle's Mom's song? "You have AIDS?" Go to Youtube and put them into the search window. Effing funniest things ever. Ok ....maybe not ever. And while you're at it......Lewis Black and John Ponette!
The best advice I ever got from my Dad is this. If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of others.
I'm personal friends with Santa. So if there's anything you need from him, let me know. Especially if you're in line for a bag of coal, for a small fee I can negotiate that down to just a pair of socks or a tie.
A guy falls from a high building and the last thing that goes through his mind ....is his asshole.
It's true, no one can get you angrier than your family, unless of course you work for the Post Office, apparently.
By the way, did you know that when the flag at the Post Office is at half staff, it means they're hiring.
I love when people win a huge lottery and say they don't want to quit their job. If I ever win a huge prize, the first thing I do is buy a new truck and drive to my boss' office, kick open his door, jump up on his desk and take a huge shit on it. And I like the guy!
How come you never read this headline...PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY! Huh? How come??
Am I the only person who laughs at people that fall down or slip on something and land on their ass. To me, watching someone grabbing at thin air in the hopes that there will be something they can grab onto that'll prevent them from hitting cement.....well ...it's priceless!
Sounds I love. Babies laughing, the sound of a baseball being hit by a wooden bat, and your partner whispering/breathing into your ear....."Oh Jesus, Oh God...I'm coming!"
I leave you with another one of favorite jokes.
A young boy is walking through town and he has several rolls of duct tape on a rope over his shoulder. He passes this old man sitting on his porch.
"What's that you got there son?"
"It's duck tape I'm going hunting for Ducks!"
The old man laughs until he sees the kid walking back later with a half dozen ducks hanging from the rope.
The next day the same kid walks through town with a roll of chicken wire
"Don't tell me...you're going after chickens today, right?" the old man asks.
"Yup!" , the little boy answers.
Sure enough the kid walks through town at the end of the day with a half dozen chickens slung over his shoulder.
The next morning the kid is walking through town with some tall weeds over his shoulder.
"What the heck are those things ya got there son?" the old guy asked.
"They're pussy willows!" the boy answered innocently.
The old man springs to his feet and says, "Wait, let me get my shoes on. I'm coming with you!"
Merry Christmas to all! And if I've offended anyone by saying that...just know, I have your apology right fucking here!
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Submitted by:
joeydonuts
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