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My Farm Hand Part two
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I lay there in Kaleb's arms. Tired yet restless due to my uncertainty.We had just had a night of hot, passionate sex. The passion between us was so strong that it confused me. What was I feeling? Was it regret? No, I would probably be in the same position I am in. Was is guilt? Maybe, but it was guilt only if I thought to hard on it. Was it love? My heart does ache from this, but I know that I could not love Kaleb. I haven't known him enough to love him. how could I love Kaleb when I still loved my husband? Oh how my mind was aching along with my heart.
Here I am in wonder of how I, a married woman and mother, could be in a hotel wrapped in a man's arms that is not my husband. I look at Kalebs face and givs a small grin. I am inticed by his lips. I lean in and kiss him. He starts kissing me back and slips his tongue in my mouth. Oh, his hot tongue! I recall feeling that tongue all over my body. If I can remember correctly, he even slid his tongue across my ceserean scar.I have never felt that before. He seemed to enjoy my body as I did him.
After showering and getting ready, I found myself falling back into the boss role. I was bossing him around and telling him to hurry along so we can finish picking the herd. Even though I enjoyed Kaleb that night of sexual bliss, I knew my role was to remain the same in reality. As I carried on as normal as possible I noticed that Kaleb seemed confused by my attitude and front. When we both were in the truck on the way to the herd, I felt I had to explain my position. "Kaleb, I loved every second of lastnight... and this morning, but it can't happen again. We have to act as though it never happened." I turned and looked at him quickly to see if he was going to agree or not. He waited a minute and then said, "I know why you are saying that. I understand that you have children with your husband and so on, but I think that you would be happier if you would just think about making us into something more."
I have never really considered my happiness until he spoke those words. I drove in silence after that because I had to think. My life has always been a role for me to play. I felt as though I had always put on an act. I had to act a certain way growing up to please my parents, I then acted a certain way when i met my husband, I then fell into a role of wife and mother. This role that I have been playing,since as long as I could remember is now in question in my own mind. I had always thought that I was truly happy in my marriage but now I question it. Am I really happy in a passionless and empty relationship? Am I happy with the absence, hatefullness, and loneliness I have been subjected to? What am I thinking? I took vows and have broken them. I should be ashamed of questioning the only relationship I have ever known. I then decide that I will not allow myself to feel for Kaleb or let myself fall into a lustful position again.
..............
I somehow avoided being alone with Kaleb the rest of the time we had to spend in Texas. It was now the day to head back to Tennessee. Kaleb took the hint that I was avoiding him straight off and did not push himself towards me. We talked about the cattle and plans back at the farm but we avoided talking about personal things. I found myself feeling guilty, because I thought that he might feel used. I actually felt horrible about it. I wish I could step out of my role and live freely with the passion I was feeling for Kaleb, but I am a logical person. I know that this affair could cause more harm than good for my kids, Kaleb and of course crush my husband.
The ride home was long and agonizing. we decided to drive straight there, splitting time between us and making as little stops as possible. I pretended to be asleep while Kaleb drove. I was really thinking of him. How could I tell him that I didn't want to hurt him? Yes we could carry on an affair but it would eventually die and he would hate me. He would be the one used and feeling as though he was second all the time. I can't walk out on ten years and hurt my children. What did my husband do to deserve me hurting him? The best thing to do was stop while I was ahead.
We finally arrived at the farm. We unloaded the 20 Head of cattle I purchased. the rest was going to come the over the next day or so. I found myself in almost a stare. I was looking at Kaleb. He seemed sad and distant. I did this to him. I have hurt him. "Kaleb, I don't want what happened between us to effect your job here. I what you to still be here. I still need you." My voice quivered at the words, "I still need you." Was I about to cry? Did I really feel those types of feeling with him?
He just dropped his head. He then looked at me. "I care about you. Do you care about me?" he asked. I stood there, mouth agaped and heart pounding. I do care for him, but to say it would hurt him more. I shouldn't tell him. That would just lead him on. I know that I am not free to feel for him."Do you care for me or not?" he asked more impatiently. "Yes... I do care for you." I couldn't believe that I was actually telling him my feelings. "That is why I can't do this. I can't lead you on. I can't bring you into a ready made family nor can I walk out on mine. Can't you see that all this will not go easily?" He stepped torward me and placed his hands softly to my cheeks. "Please, just try." he wispered. I slowly lifted my hands to his and lowered them away. I leaned in and kissed his lips one last time and wispered and apology. As I walked toward my house, tears rolling down my face.
After a week, things seemed to go back to normal. I was back to tending to the farm, kids, and normal duties. Kaleb worked, then left without speaking to me. He had to pull longer hours and we had to work side by side every day for hours but we only spoke about the farm or duties that was need. He seemed to be like stone and so did I. The passion we had that night at the hotel seemed like a faded dream or fantasy. I tried not to think of it but it was almost impossible. My husband was coming home this weekend, so I was trying to focus on him.
My husband came home, hugged te kids and said his famous hello to me..."Hey." Everything seemed like the normal routine when he gets home for a weekend. It was normal until the kids went to bed." I need to talk to you." he said. I kind of felt nervous and said that it must be important. He nodded yes and so I sat down with him at the kitchen table. He then began to tell me something I was not expecting. "Please do not get mad but something has happened, and please do not say anything until I finish." He pleaded. I knew after that, he was about to drop a bomb on me. All I could think of was that he found out what I did. "About a year ago, I met someone and started having an affair." he said. My eyes widened and I swallowed hard. I was in shock. "A year?" I thought. He continued."I have only come home every other weekend because I have been spending every other weekend with her. I have now realized that I am in love with her and not you. I didn't mean for this to happen and the last thing I wanted to do is hurt you. I really just wanted to let you know why I have filed for a divorce." As he said he word divorce, he laid down a brown envelope in front of me.
Reality is a hard thing to live in. Here I was, sitting eye to eye with my husband of ten years, learning that he was unhappy with me. He has filed for divorce and was done. My mind began to wonder. "I am so stupid. He was as unhappy as I was." I thought. A grin came upon my face. I know that I must have confused my husband because he asked me if I was alright. here he was, doing what he wanted, thinking of himself. Why hadn't I thought of myself. If he can think of himself... then I can think of myself. "Okay." I said. "I want a divorce too." he looked at me with his eyes squinted. "What?" he asked in almost a frantic way. "I said... I want the divorce too. Do you think that you were the only one unhappy with our marriage? I have wanted out of this for a long tie. I only stayed because of our vows and children." I smirked as I opened the envelope and began to read the papers. After reading the papers, I realized he did not want custody of our kids. I was pleased that he was happy with visitation. I walked to the kitchen drawer, pulled out an ink pen and started signing.
The next day, my soon to be ex told the kids his plan. They actually handled it well. The truth is, they actually will see him just as much as they ever did. It wasn't going to be much of a change for them... but it would change everything for me. I decided that I was going to keep the divorce a secret until it was final. I hav never liked hearing rumors or pity stories about myself. Three months went by and finally the divorce was done. I had spoken to Kaleb on occasion ut never on a personal level. I decided that I would go to the barn and have a talk with him about maybe starting over with him. I jumped in my truck and drove across the field to the milk barn. I noticed that there was another vehicle there. I hopped out and walked into my milk barn. I found kaleb and the young woman I had hired during my trip kissing and groping each other in a playful fashion. He was biting her breasts through her shirt and she had her hands in his pants. I turned around and ran out. I must had slammed the door when I left the barn because As I climbed into my truck kaleb opened the door and looked out at me.I felt like screaming but being the person I am... instead of driving off, I hopped back out and walked toward him.
My mind was saying, "what did you expect him to do... wait for a married woman? You are such a fool!" But on the outside, I had my jaw locked, my eyes serious and my demeaner as a boss lady who was professional. When i reached him he started to explain himself but I cut him off."I dropped by to see if you double fed Bessie." I said in a normal tone. Bessie was a cow that was due to have a calf within the week. "Yes... I did." He said in a tone that let me know that he knew I saw him. I turned around without saying another word and started toward my truck. I then felt a hand grab me by my arm. "Please..." He started. "Please do not leave angry." I felt tears well up in my eyes. I turned and looked him in the eyes. I opened my mouth to tell him how I felt about him but was interupted with a voice calling out for Kaleb. I dropped my head. "She is calling you... go to her." I jumped in my truck and left.
Two days later kaleb calls me. "Bessie is in labor! Get here quick!" Click. I hurried across the field. I ran instead of driving. After I had gotten there and saw Bessie I realized that the calf was stuck. I told kaleb to call the vet. I then began to reach in the cow and try to ease the calf out by working around it. I did evrything in my power to budge the calf out of Bessie but nothing was working. All the method I had ever learned wasn't working. Two hours went by and the vet finally made it. It was too late. the calf had died and Bessie was bleeding to death. The vet had to give Bessie a shot to ease her death. I felt horrible, and my heart sank. I was now a divorced woman, in love with a man who was with another and lost my favorite cow. I walked sadly home and jumped into the shower.
After a good cry, I called kaleb and told him that i was going to take a break for a week. I put him in charge until the week was up. My kids father took a week off of driving and invited the kids to stay with him. I agreed to it and decided that it was perfect timing. three days went by. I had read a book already and was growing tired of relaxing. I threw on my work clothes. A plaid button up, boot cut jeans, and water proof Justin boots. I walked across the field, enjoying the sun and taking in the sight of my farm. I loved my farm. it was a part of me. My ex husband never understood it. The only person who seemed to get it was Kaleb. kaleb seemed to see the woman I truly am. not the role I was playing. I sat on a log in the wooded area of my land and closed my eyes. What if I would had tried that night with Kaleb? What if I would have told him that I have never felt the way I felt for him with anyone? what if I told him I loved him? I was saying my mental questions out loud. Tears trickled down my cheeks. "I love you." Said a familiar voice. Startled, I wiped my cheeks with my hands and looked for the man who's voice I heard. Kaleb was standing behing me. "Do you?" I asked. He walked toward me and I stood up to meet him. "I have since I have met you." He reached with his strong hands and wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. "I love you Kaleb. I have for a long time." I then kissed him. I first kissed him softly. he returned the favor with soft kisses. As I kissed him I felt heat run through my body. I wanted more of him. I then kissed him hungrily. I wanted to enhale him. I counldn't help but feel a overpowering need to be with him. I wanted him right then. I was in love with him and I wanted to taste him, love him, and feel him deep inside me. I reached up and unsnapped his shirt. He undressed me in the same manner. We found ourselves naked in a matter of seconds. My legs wrapped around him as I moaned and cried out is name. He took me there beside the log I had been sitting on. He slowly thrust himself into my wet sex and then rapidly took me to a place of heat and passion. He had a way with me that I couldn't explain. every part of my body quivered in pleasure as I climaxed there on the grass.
I kissed him knowing that I could be with him. I was free to love a live without being stuck in a role that wasn't me. I was in love with my farm hand and he loved me.
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