How come sex in a hotel room seems much sexier and dirtier than it does in your own bedroom.
If Teflon is non-stick, what keeps it in the pan?
Being raised Catholic, when I went to see the priest before my marriage. He asked me if I was going to prevent children. I asked him "from doing what Father?" I was promptly kicked in the shin by my eventual ex-wife. How was I supposed to know he was talking about birth control.
The word cunt offends most women to no end. But if you whisper it in their ear during sex it makes them cum. Sometimes. Haaaaaaaa.
It's like if you blow in a dogs face it gets all pissed off. But lower the window when you're doing 60mph and it sticks it's head out the window!
The best sex I ever had was one night with my ex wife, during doggy style sex, she asked me how good i thought she was. I told her I thought her sister was better. I held onto her until I came. It was like riding the bull till the bell sounds.
I often wonder why people wait until they get in their cars to pick their noses. Don't they know we can still see them?
I fly a lot. I laugh when a plane gets to the gate and everyone jumps up and grabs their stuff, only to stand there for 5 minutes before they even open the door. And then, they get pissed off when they have to wait for each row to move forward.
It's why I always take the last row seats...even if we crash, I get to watch all the rest of them die first.
While we're at it, I always take a window seat, so I don't have to keep getting up to let the ones with the full bladders out to stand outside the lavatories waiting for the other idiots who didn't pee before they got on the plane.
I've discovered that I never met a woman who liked the way her ass looked as she walked to the bathroom naked.
I still laugh that it takes me all of 20 minutes to wake up, poop, shower and shave. While it takes her two hours and three changes to get ready.
I wonder if women cringe when they watch lesbians kiss. I know I do when I see gay men kissing . I live in NYC it's not that uncommon.
Why is it you always mange to overflow the bathroom in someone else's house?
If you do come to NYC , remember if there's someone talking to themselves out on the street, don't make eye contact. And don't look up at the buildings, it's how you get your pocket picked.
How discouraging is it to watch a porn movie and they use condoms? And when did it become a turn on to have a hot girl spit on your cock? And does a guy really get hot while his partner is gagging up her lunch because you forced her head down on your prick?
Do guys get jealous when their significant others shutter to a climax using a vibrator? I don't.
Two quotes from Homer Simpson.
Your lives are in the hands of men who are no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and time again . . . and I say, this stinks.
and
You don't get even with your boss by calling in sick! You get even with your boss by showing up to work every day, and doing a half assed job!
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing either. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
And finally, one of my favorite jokes:
One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me for a while."
I said, "WHAT??????????????"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I'm obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
I'm thinking," What was her first fucking clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I go to sleep.
The very next day we went shopping at a big department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ....she was so excited.
She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face - it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You're obviously not in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of 2010.
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joeydonuts
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