I am in Cheers Cafe taking down decorations for the birthday party that's not going to happen.
I love to be down here among all the antiques and entertainment memorabilia. The lighting, the red and white checkered table cloths, the old musical instruments and record album covers on the wall shown off by Tiffany lamps immediately convey a feeling of cheer and good will towards all.
Our cafe is patterned after the original CHEERS in Boston but we have no affiliation with them and we're not open to the public.
We are located conveniently below my offices and use the cafe for corporate events and special meetings. Since my life is primarily one big meeting, I am often in the facility for meetings as well as entertainment.
I take a break and gaze at the oriental vase that holds straggly stems and a pieces of a few colorful petals. Most of them have fallen and litter the glass below that covers three-fourths of the Antique Steinway Square Grand.
Directly above the piano is a four-foot by eight-foot mirror that has bore witness to all the good times my friends and I have enjoyed here over the past five years.
The dead bouquet painfully reminds me of the hopelessness of my relationship with Bill and I wonder if ever again I will feel a longing for men or want to celebrate life by having big parties with old and new friends happily singing around my beloved old piano
It is my birthday and there is no music, no singing and no celebration.
Bill has taken care of that by disrupting my life to such an extreme this past month, that I had no choice but to call everyone and tell them there had been an unexpected change in plans and that regrettably the party must be moved to a future date.
I stare at the beautiful little Tiffany lamp that I use as a piano light. One light bulb is all it takes to make it come alive and draw guests to its side. It's a one of a kind work - a stained glass charmer that delivers enjoyment to everyone. I thought to myself, if Bill is my "light bulb" and he is gone, how can I shine?
Berating myself I ask outloud:
"How can I be so foolish? Why am I suddenly feeling so emotionally dependent?"
I stare at the light as if waiting for Bill to come home
any time now. I think about the time my rabbit died when I was a child and I sat by its cage for hours believing if I just stared at it long enough and prayed hard - God would make it come to life - I would see it move and everything would be okay again.
Mother told me if I didn't feed the bunny it would die, likewise, Bill told me if I didn't stop working such long hours, his love for me could die.
Most of the time we eat in restaurants which gives us a a few hours every day to be together and talk about our wedding plans and honeymoon. Out side of that we don't enjoy doing many things together. Not his fault or mine, it just is what it is.
This means we often go our separate ways which isn't all bad but lately he's been playing out a version of an Aesop's fable, "A Dog In A Manger".
This basically means:
(1) He doesn't want to do what I want to do
(2) He has nothing he wants to do
(3) Like the dog, he is "guarding the manger" to make sure I won't do anything without him
(4) He doesn't want me to do anything with anyone else.
How can I marry a man who relies so heavily on me to to supply what he hasn't himself yet found? Like my rabbit, would I eventually kill his love by not feeding him enough?
Today I am feeling guilty, angry, and sad. And this further reinforces my sense of loneliness and despair.
What happens six months from now? Will I be like a desert waiting for the rain? Do I really want to turn into a person who is always waiting and longing for something that's never going to happen?
Despite my trepidation I am thirsting for Bill's lips and hunger for his arms to enfold me and to carry me off to a far away place where all is well and contentment fills my soul. Today, I am indeed like a dessert waiting for the rain.
I feel disappointed with myself that at this moment in time, I am feeling critical, empty and needy.
I say to myself, if I just sit here and wait long enough, how could Bill NOT come home to me?
"Like a school kid waiting for The spring?"
Yeah, that's me.
Should I say I am sorry and tell him I'll wait for him however long it takes? And do I believe with all my heart he will return like springtime; because like spring, how could he NOT return to me?
Is it written in the stars? Is our love recorded there and did fate indeed bring us together like we first thought?
My poor heart is as dark as the stairway to the roof.
I climb up and sit on the top step.Tears run down my cheeks and I feel my chest heave from my own deep sobbing. I look to the starlit sky and say:
"God thank you for my good that will come from this".
I say it over and over again like a mantra, offering it
up to the heavens above as a plea, as much as an affirmation.
I return to the cafe and my thoughts soon drift to
Bill standing me up - not showing up for my birthday dinner. I am soon driven to the telephone like a woman on a mission.
Calling him I find he does not answer and I leave a message:
"I told you that we're done if this happened again,
And I mean it. You've been ready to go for a long
time now and this is as good a time as any
for you to stay away permanently."
Within ten minutes, Bill calls me
back and leaves a message:
"Don't pick up; I'll make this short. I want to come over and get my things, I would PREFER you NOT be there."
Calling him right back I told his machine:
"I will honor your request. I'll leave within a half an hour. Come and get your things. Peter from the warehouse will be here to assist you if need anything."
I call Peter at the Distrubution Center; I give him the low down and let him know I need him up here. Then I leave to do some errands.
It's been an hour now and I am back. Holding my
breath I open the door and look around.
The whole place seems bare.
All he took was his oak roll top desk and my dad's swivel oak chair I gave him. Yet, somehow this place seems clammy, cold and empty without his stuff -
without him - since he's been gone.
Since he's been gone? Its only been a few hours but it feels like weeks. How am I suppose to live the rest of my life without him?
Am I destined to live alone in this darkness forever?
I turn my Daddy's old hi-fi on and wait to hear
a classic I bought at the used record shop yesterday
Forgetting Bill is gone I look at my lime and soda and wait for him to bring me some fresh ice cubes before realizing I better get up and get my own - get used to being alone -like I was only 3 months ago before I met him.
The words and melody of the song grip my heart and
the tears start flowing again as I hear Nora Jones sing:
"Like a flower waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb in a dark room
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on
Like the desert waiting for the rain
Like a school kid waiting for the spring
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on
In my poor heart, it's been so dark
Since you've been gone
After all, you're the one who turns me off
And you're the only one who
Can turn me back on.
My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune
My glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on."
***************************************
Suddenly you appear in the doorway and tell me
you forgot to leave the key.
I say okay. And then before I know it, I'm smiling and despite my earlier resolves, old feelings rush back and I wrap my arms around you, immersing myself into your body that fits mine so well.
Bill's evasive eyes won't meet mine and he stands
slumped and limp like a beaten man.
I feel for him, I feel for us, but in my heart I know this is never going to work.
Nevertheless, I lead him over to the piano saying:
"You know there is one thing you don't want to forget to take with you - the memory of us making love on top of this century-plus Steinway Grand Piano. Do you remember that you promised to do that for my birthday? It's still not too late to give me that big present."
Bill let out a long sigh and agreed:
"You're right Babe. Let me pick up dinner and you chill the wine. We'll relax, eat, and then we can work on your birthday present. Let's clear the stuff off the piano for now and then I'll go get our dinner from
Mr. Lo's.
With that we hug and begin to clear off all the clutter so we can remove the glass tops and close up the huge square grand piano. The piano rests on four massive curved legs and weighs well over twelve hundred pounds. It's ornate rosewood legs detatch for moving. Each leg has a number hand carved into it so you can match it up with the coresponding slot on the bottom of the sound box.
There is no question it will hold us steady and be more
firm for making love than any bed imaginable.
Continuing to prepare for our desert after dinner, we place a down feather tick, duvet, and pillows on top of the piano. I stand on its rose velvet seat to smooth out the bedding.
Bill helps me down from top of the piano caressing
my entire body until at last he reaches up under my shirt to gently cup my full firm breasts that await for their little pink nipples to grow hard between his fingers and signal the dripping of sweet juices from my womanhood.
I feel the firmness of his package growing as the weight of my body presses into him. Even through his clothes I can feel him become harder. He lowers me down slowly reaching under my skirt caressing my bare buns before he stands me on the floor with my back to him. He mock fucks me against the piano,
telling me he wants to take me hard across the keyboards and work my body into a crescendo.
Our breathing intensifies and our pent up emotions beg for release, but we know because of time restraints we must pace ourselves and resume our work. We move the bench and it makes the clunking sound of wood against metal.
Looking inside we see a cache of discontinued Keeler Brass samples and prototypes of knobs and furniture pulls that Bill gave me when we first met.
He reminds me:
"I wanted you to have them as you appreciate such things and also because you seemed as crazy about them as me. It will give you something to remember me by."
We both smile and recall many happy times.
I begin putting the brass pieces into a nearby basket to give them back to him:
"Bill, you'll want to keep THESE, they're irreplaceable, and solid brass to boot..."
"No they are yours, I have no use for them"
I wink and show him a solid brass six inch phallic looking armoire door handle and say:
"How about this one!"
He laughs agreeing that out of all of them, he could
certainly find a use for it tonight on top of the
piano.
"What a classy sex toy!"
*****************
With that we glance at the old swords on the wall behind us.
Bill dropped his head down and said,
"Keep those too, they look good there and I don't
have room for them."
I gave him a quick hug and said :
"You better go pick up that sweet and sour Chinese.
I'll chill the wine. Hurry now before we lose the mood! And Btw, don't forget the fortune cookies! Tell them to give us some good ones; we're going to need them."
Bill looks at me and grins saying:
"Babe, this is going to all work out just fine.
You wait and see. What we have and had is never
going to leave us. It'll be a part of who we are
forever. Soon we'll know if we should stay together,
or each go on to our greater good."
What a sweetheart!
Bill's "wait and see" comments remind me of what a typical engineer he is at heart.
As I sit here waiting for him to come on home with
our sweet and sour food I revaluate Bill and decide for now that despite his depressing tendency to always be searching for what's wrong, he is a true joy to observe
when things go right.
[Story to be continued in "Turn Me On" Part 2 of 2]
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Submitted by:
Babe
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